A Spreadsheet walks in to a bar … [open mic]

Posted on September 7th, 2012 in Humor - 51 comments

Lets have some fun this Friday.

Post your favorite Spreadsheet jokes using comments. Have a big smile.

I will start:

1. A pivot table walks in to a bar and orders a beer. It says, “Put me in the same tab, will ya?”
2. A slicer and pivot chart walk in to a bar. The bartender says, “look at those bast*rds, walking around with out a pivot!”.
3. Once Excel, Access and Windows were bragging to each other. Excel says, “I once crashed so hard, it took 5 minutes to recover”. Access says, “Oh thats nothing. I once crashed and took down an entire database. It took them 30 minutes to recover”. Windows doesn’t say anything. Excel pokes him in the arm asks “what about you?”, Windows jolts & replies, “Sorry, what did you say? I just crashed again.”

Now, your turn…

Post a spreadsheet related joke or one liner. Click here to post.

PS: For some spreadsheet jokes check out Genie in a lamp, Spreadsheet Jokes, Comments in DDoE and Dilbert Spreadsheet Cartoons.

Written by Chandoo
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Home: Chandoo.org Main Page
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51 Responses to “A Spreadsheet walks in to a bar … [open mic]”

  1. Jordan Sugar says:

    A bright red cell turns to its solid white companion and asks, "Is it hot in here, or is it just my conditional formatting?"

  2. Miron says:

    True Story that started as a Joke and ended like 700 club story: i joined a firm three weeks ago and got an old PC with Office 97. After two weeks i got a brand new Intel i5 with Windows 7 and Office 2010 and said this PC is a body of Jesus. Touch and be saved.
     
    Actually it did happen during the last month. Excel 97 crashed like it was Y2K party in some Soviet Nuclear reactor with drunken bears. I downloaded Libre Office Portable and prayed to foreign gods of Linux.

  3. An analyst walks into a bar chart... ouch?

  4. Ed Connolly says:

    when someone give me an answer that doesn't answer my question, I respond with: That was a MicroSoft answer: technically precise and of absolutely no value.

  5. Pawan says:

     Once Excel, Access and Windows were bragging to each other. Excel says, “I once crashed so hard, it took 5 minutes to recover”. Access says, “Oh thats nothing. I once crashed and took down an entire database. It took them 30 minutes to recover”. Windows doesn’t say anything. Excel pokes him in the arm asks “what about you?”, Windows replies, “Sorry, I caused the Crash.”

  6. Theodor says:

    Jesus and the devil are up against one another in a spreadsheet contest. They aim to create a fully functional dashboard within 30 minutes.
    28 minutes into the challenge, there's a power outage and their desktops crash.
    Power is restored, the devil scrambles to at least come up with a bar chart; Jesus on the other hand has an awesome dynamic dashboard with all bells and whistles.
    Moral of the story? Jesus always Saves!

    And now true story in Excel 2010, two days ago: merge a few cells, format cell to Wrap text, click in the formula bar after entering some text, scroll down and click again to add text. Excel crashed on me every single time for 10-12 times in a row (closed instantly with no warning message). Took me a while to realize the sequence that was causing the crash and replicated it a dozen times more just to convince myself I wasn't dreaming.

  7. Nick D says:

    An in cell chart was curious about his ancestry so he decided to take a deeper look within himself to see what he was made up of.  After retracing the links in his background, he found that he is made up of a bunch of REPT’d, sideways “|”’s who seem to be able to only LOOKUP in one direction because they can’t CHOOSE to follow their own path!

  8. Chandoo says:

    I got one more.

    A probability distribution curve walks in to a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, Are you happy to see me or you are just normal?"

  9. Aliasgar says:

    Old accounting Register copies giving a word of advice to their grandson's....
    : " Dont trust these excel brats(cells), they change color (depending on values) instantaneously".

     

  10. Aliasgar says:

    Q : Why is excel so powerful !.
    A : 'Coz it has got the ability of "linking" with everyone.

     
    Q : How can u prove Excel became bigger with every new version
    A : Its "Cells" grew in multiples.

     

  11. Aliasgar says:

    Is excel a male or female ?

    Hints :
    it Hides as much as you want.
    it Crashes like a bum.
    it has many faces(sheets)
    it can have a face(dashboard) full of words(data), but can still make no sense, and it can go on and on....
    It can group/ungroup easily...
    U can leave it unattended (save) and sleep and next day, it will start(point) from the exact place(cell) u closed the day with...
    ....

     

  12. Aliasgar says:

    Excel beggar on the street : 

    .....Will do anything for numbers !... 

     

  13. Aliasgar says:

    Excel family: mommy playing with her son :

    Mommy : Baba black sheep, have you any wool...

    Son replies : Div/Ref error not so cool....
                                             
    and mommy being mommy...

    completes : but ....IF error is wonderful.....

     
     
     

  14. Philip says:

    not really a spreadsheet joke but ...

    TimesNewRoman walks into a bar, and the barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type in here."  

  15. Fantastic, I had never thought about making jokes of Excel....!!!!

  16. Aliasgar says:

    Q ? If rows were to be taken for longitude and columns as latitude, where would its equator be ?...

    ...... 

    • Ducheznee says:

      Halfway down?

    • Tom Snyder says:

      You're obviously someone who resides at the North or South Pole and doesn't care which way longitude and lattitude are oriented. Rows should be LATTITUDE and Columns should be LONGITUDE. Or just rotate your spreadsheet 90 degrees!

  17. Aliasgar says:

    Ongoing fight in a plane:

    Excel : We are so simple and "excel"lent at the same timel.

    PPT : Huh, We have "Power" and are always to the "Point"

    Word : Lol, No one is going to believe your "Word", unless i say so....
     

    • Peter says:

      you are missing some applications Aliasgar so I thought...

      Access: By and far, we "Access" any related records really well. <Handing over a business card> just call us and make a query.

      Sharepoint: <rolling his eyes> Files of your type I am willing to share, gladly for all who look me up. 

  18. Radek Janata says:

    - What is your job about?- I am transferring information from one cell to another.- Wow, you're a genetic engineer?!- Not really, just working with Excel.

  19. shrivallabha says:

    Excel is what makes your OFFICE SUIT cool 😉

  20. Nagasairam says:

    Excel is a hall that has a cell which can pull the data and gel so well..

     

  21. Bob James says:

    Excel goes faster than pen and pencil

  22. Parin Thacker says:

    Which cell does a spreadsheet hate the most? F13 - because its the condemned cell (Friday 13th)

  23. Q: What does the spreadsheet developer use when he goes fishing?
    A: B8 

    (ya know, like "bait") 

  24. Giga_Me says:

     VBA Humor 🙂
    Programming Nihilism
    Dim Everything as Object

    If Everything Is Nothing Then
    MsgBox "This is a paradox of the Object-Oriented universe." 
    End If 
     

  25. Kryonic says:

    I don't get it, why would a spreadsheet walk into a bar when it could just hyperlink?

  26. Thomas Wäsbom says:

    Not a joke just reality.
    Sometimes when my wife talks to me i'd like to use the new improved feature in Excel 2010: I'm not responding...

  27. Kris says:

    🙂
    Fun with Reference operators and Excel formulas, as:
    =SIGN(OF:FUN)=SM:ILE  -> and the result is TRUE 🙂
    We collected some more here:
    https://sites.google.com/site/e90e50fx/home/formulas-funny
    🙂
    =CHE:ERS
    Kris

  28. Dids says:

    A cat goes to prison and starts a gang with 8 other cats. What was the name of the gang?

    Con Cat and 8  

  29. Doug Glancy says:

    A workbook walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you.  You're already three sheets to the wind."

  30. Shadow Jam says:

    There is probably a better joke using the same idea, but here is what I came up with

    An accountant was looking at the bank statement of his joint account, and got angry at the amount his wife was spending.

    "You are wasting too much money." He said, "you spent £40 on a dress on Monday, £60 on shoes on Tuesday, and £35 on having your hair done on Wednesday. It's too much money, you have to stop. That is the equivalent of £45 a day!"

    She replied "That's mean!"

     

  31. JIM1+BOB1+SEX1=GAY1

    TRUE

  32. Kris says:

    =ISLOGICAL(LO:VE) --> FALSE
    true?
    😀

  33. Pedro Wave says:

    A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
    The housewife replies: "Four!".
    The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
    The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

  34. My friend came up with this clever line: "Excel jokes are too formulaic."  

  35. The variable, lngHorse, walks into a bar and the bartender says, "hey, why the long datatype?"

    nyuk nyuk nyuk 

  36. Ben says:

    Why did everyone assume the spreadsheet developer was a big fan of Howard Webb?

    Becuase all his spreadsheets were full of hashtag Ref's  

  37. Ben says:

     
    Why was the Iberian Wildcat so uninformed?
     
    Cos people kept forgetting to update “the lynx”
     
     
     
    Get it!?!?!?!?!? 😛
     

  38. Niefer says:

    I found it in a file of my coworker:

    =IF(B1=A1,0,(B1-A1))

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