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Genie in a Lamp


Excel Ninja
A man was walking along a beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. Because I am so powerful, I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."

The man pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be peace among the people in the middle east." The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. They are always going to be fighting. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."

The man then said, "Well, my staff is switching to Excel. I wonder if you could teach them this VBA thing."

Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

Spreadsheet Consultant Joke

A spreadsheet consultant died and went to heaven. There were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the consultant was, and greeted him warmly. St. Peter took the consultant up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The consultant said, "I like all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you're 193 years old!"

Pilot Joke

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is only 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles, looking for a landmark. After an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window, "Hi, where am I?"

The solitary office worker replies, "You're in an airplane."

The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and makes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers are relieved, and ask the pilot how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct, but absolutely useless. Therefore, that must have been the Microsoft Excel support office. I know that, from there, the airport is three minutes away on a heading of 87 degrees."
Hi, b(ut)ob(ut)hc!

Good day, old dog.

Even being in a hurry after a long work night and trying to face Friday as best as possible, you made me laugh a lot. Nice way to start my day, thank you.


PS: have a Carlsberg and two malts... but only at evening and after work!
An outlier walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "sometimes I feel as if I've lost the plot."

An residual error walks into a bar and the bartender says, "hey, get inline!"

... and that's why comedy career never took off
Oh Bar Jokes

A Horse walks into a Bar,

Barman: Why the long face?


A Baby seal walks into a Club


1. Never test the depth of the water with both feet

2. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie

3. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

4. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.

5. Consistency isn't always good, especially if you're consistently wrong

6. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

7. A penny saved is... not much.

8. To make a long story short, don't tell it.

9. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

10. If your dog is fat, you aren't getting much exercise.

11. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back inside your pocket.

12. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if you mouth is moving.

13. Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.

14. On the other hand, you have different fingers...
Fun things to do

Whenever you are next bored, or feel like being annoying, here are some cool things to do.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Insist that your email address begins with 'xena-warrior-princess' or 'elvis-the-king'.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS".

Finish all your sentences with, "In accordance with the prophecy."

don’t use any punctuation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle at work. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

Pop some popcorn without putting on the lid.

When someone says, "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.

Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to school as if nothing was wrong.

Write checks with Roman numerals.

Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

Read the dictionary backwards and look for hidden messages.

Bill your doctor for time spent in the waiting room.

Stare at people through the points of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias.

Start conversations with the words, "Did you ever wonder why..."

Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in a fight.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying YOU haven't got a clue!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Hi, b(ut)ob(ut)hc!

Gonna quote right now with whom you yet know :)


PS: Keep on, please...
If Excel Were a Car...

It would crash two or three times per day for no apparent reason. The driver is often hurt, but the car itself receives no permanent damage. You'd just accept this fact, restart the car, and begin your trip again.

Occasionally, your car would fail to restart after a crash, and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.

You would be forced to buy a new model every 18 months, and your old model would have no resale value. Each new model would be bigger that the previous one, require more gas, and would operate differently. Furthermore, parts from the old car would not be interchangeable with the new car.

You could call a special phone number when you had a problem. The phone would be staffed by people who know less about your car than you do.

There would be a special Macintosh model, powered by the sun. However, it would only run on 5 percent of the roads and require different driving skills.

You would have to spend additional money to buy the operating manuals.

The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single warning light: "This car has performed an illegal operation."

Before engaging, the airbag system would display a message, "Are you sure?"

Every time you looked under the hood, an obnoxious cartoon character would appear and ask if you need help. No matter how many time you refused help, it would keep appearing.

A special feature would let you automatically record the route for a particular trip, so you could repeat the trip automatically later on. However, after repeating the trip you always end up at a different location.
A PivotTable walks into the bar and orders a beer. He says to the bartender, "put me on the same tab, will ya?"
Spreadsheet Glossary

Audit: Annual event where CPAs come in and officially point out mathematical errors in your spreadsheets.

Auto-Save: What your spreadsheet does immediately after you make a huge mistake and just before you press Undo. If you have a sound card, you may be able to hear your program laughing at you.

Backup: Many spreadsheet programs will automatically create a backup of your current file. This gives you two copies of the same non-balancing file.

Cell: This is where you spend the rest of your life when your boss has made you spend several nights at the office until a large project is finished. The cell will have bars if you are a type A personality, and will be padded if you are type B.

CIRC: See Circular Reference.

Circular Reference: See CIRC.

Cursor: What one becomes who sits in front of the same spreadsheet that won't balance for more than 2 hours.

Cut, Copy and Paste: What you do with your printouts to get something intelligible. See Table.

Format: Visual enhancements to spreadsheets to draw attention away from inaccuracies.

Formula: Mathematical equations that display as ERR, DIV/0 or N/A.

Frame: What you do with your first error free spreadsheet. (Contact MENSA if you did this in less than 1 month.)

Goal Seek: When you know the answer (because you did it on your calculator in 10 seconds) but can't get the spreadsheet to work right. Also known as Backsolve.

GPF: What happens when you finally get your spreadsheet working correctly. But before you've had a chance to save it.

Group Mode: The ability to populate a group of worksheets with the same error, saving yourself lots of time.

Import: Ability to get huge amounts of data from an outside source allowing you to create hundreds and thousands of rows of seemingly meaningful data.

Invalid File: Error you get once you have finally perfected your spreadsheet and attempt to load it the next day to print. Only occurs if you don't do regular backups.

Link: Ability to get erroneous information from a file without actually loading it into memory.

Macro: Automated mistakes, made at the speed of light.

Print Preview: Lets you know if your printout will be Portrait or Landscape. Information on the screen bears no resemblance to what actually prints out.

Solver: Spreadsheet tool usually used by geeks who want to bring their computer's processor to its knees. No valid data ever obtained, but it makes you feel good that you forced your computer to think for more than half a second.

Sort: Fast method to randomize a column of formula references.

Table: Furniture used to spread out all of your papers and arrange them so they look like what is on the screen. See Cut, Copy and Paste.

Titles, Horizontal: Headings printing on the left margin you wanted at the top of your document.

Titles, Vertical: Headings printing on the top margin you wanted down the left side of your document.

Undo: Feature that enables you to revert from the current spreadsheet with 47 error values to where you were before you made your mistake when you only had 13 errors.

What-If Analysis: The process of automatically generating detailed projections for hundreds of different scenarios - not one of which has a snowball's chance in hell of being even remotely possible.

Window: Ability to look at multiple pieces of multiple files simultaneously. While this may sound attractive, you must have at least three hands to navigate these windows to successfully build formulas - unless you have a mouse, then you need four hands.

Wizard: Interface enhancements that enable you to create complex and sophisticated errors at unprecedented speeds.

WYSIWYG: What You So Intensely Wish You'd Got

I first heard that in 1978 so quite possibly

They don't make good humour like that (Monty Python) anymore...
Q. What's the definition of DNA

A. National Dyslexic Association

Did you hear about the Agnostic Dyslexic Insomniac?

He used to lie in bed, awake allnight, wondering was there really a Dog.
Hi Bob ,

Something for April next year ( in case you haven't done them already ) :


I'm actually embarrassed to even post this....


How many Excel developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?



Nice..........but I must say if some of those jokes/pranks where on me there would be blood on the floor :)
Hi, b(ut)ob(ut)hc!

Good afternoon, old god. No, neither dyslexia nor mistyping.

If you ever face a prank like these, surely from guys who think that your skills wouldn't be enough to survive, you can always draw upon the SOS most ancient and effective technique:

Press Alt-F4 repeatedly until problem is gone.