• Hi All

    Please note that at the Chandoo.org Forums there is Zero Tolerance to Spam

    Post Spam and you Will Be Deleted as a User

    Hui...

  • When starting a new post, to receive a quicker and more targeted answer, Please include a sample file in the initial post.

Genie in a Lamp

Chemical Analysis Of Woman


Element: woman

Symbol: Wo.

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Weight: accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 80 - 220 lbs.

Occurrence: surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1. surface usually covered in painted film

2. boils at nothing, freezes without reason

3. melts if given proper treatment

4. bitter if used incorrectly

5. found in various states, ranging from virgin metal, to common (wh)'ore

Chemical Properties:

1. possess great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, diamond and other precious stones

2. able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances

3. may explode spontaneously if left alone with a male

4. insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol

5. yields to pressure applied to correct points

Uses:

1. highly ornamental, especially in sports cars

2. most powerful money-reducing agent known

3. can be a great aid to relaxation

Tests:

1. pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in natural state

2. turns green if placed beside a better specimen

Caution:

1. highly dangerous except in experienced hands

2. illegal to posses more than one
 
Hi, b(ut)ob(ut)hc!

I actually missed this section. Not as a Carslberg, but not too far.

Regards!
 
More jokes!


q: How does Excel make the bed?

a: Spread sheets!


q: What does a newborn Excel spreadsheet need?

a: Formula


My wife says the first joke is terrible and the second is sorta funny.
 
Good day Jordan


Not sure where you are going on tour but with jokes like that remember to keep your head down :)
 
Medical school exam...


When I was young I wanted to go to a medical school, but I was confused by the entrance exam.

One of the questions was, “Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect.”

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest ended up as POLITICIANS!


Some English language funny phrases:


1) Clearly misunderstood

2) Act naturally

3) Exact estimate

4)Found missing

5) Small crowd

6) Fully empty

7) Pretty ugly

8) Seriously funny

9) Only choice

10) Original copies...


and the Mother of all... 11) Happily married!!!
 
NAG, NAG, NAG


An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.


As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,

'What time of night to be getting home is this?

Where have you been?

Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.


Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bath tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.


While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.


As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.


'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.


He whirled around and screamed,


'FOR GOODNESS SAKE WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
 
Sub and Function Names

Sub MachineGun ()

Sub Stitute ()

Sub Marine ()

Sub Human ()

Function Ality ()
 
an old joke but still worth reading................. :)


APARTMENT RENTAL


A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.


He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'


On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:


"Dear Madam:


Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;


1) it had never been occupied;

2) that there was plenty of heat; and

3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.


However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large."


Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for

$250 with the following note:


"Dear Sir,


First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you do not have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady!!"
 
My wife accused me of ruining her birthday


I told her I could not of done…I did not even know it was her birthday!
 
What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%..

It's called a Wedding Cake.


This one is to show I am not being sexist.


Women will never be equal to men…

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.


'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa'.

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz'.


A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:


1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:


1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
 
Man goes to the tattooist and says he wants a massive Indian on his back,

the tattooist says "no problem that'll look smart",

30 minutes in the man says "I want him swinging a tomahawk"


and the tattooist says "give me a minute I'm just finishing his turban".
 
Alarming!

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one (1) hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!
 
We've heard it all before but it bears repetition because they really are out there and thinking up new ways to spend our money.


Be sure to read Scene 3 - Very interesting.SCENE 1

This is a new one.

People sure stay busy trying to cheat us, don't they?

A friend went to the local gym and placed his belongings in the locker.
After the workout and a shower, he came out, saw the locker open, and thought to himself,
'Funny, I thought I locked the locker.

Hmm, 'He dressed and just flipped the wallet to make sure all was in order.

Everything looked okay - all cards were in place.

A few weeks later his credit card bill came - a whooping bill of £14,000!

He called the credit card company and started yelling at them, saying that
he did not make the transactions.

Customer care personnel verified that there was no Mistake in the system
and asked if his card had been stolen.

'No,' he said, but then took out his wallet, pulled out the credit card, and yep
- you guessed it - a switch had been made.

An expired similar credit card from the same bank was in the wallet.

The thief broke into his locker at the gym and switched cards.

Verdict: The credit card issuer said since he did not report the card missing earlier,
he would have to pay the amount owed to them.

How much did he have to pay for items he did not buy?

£9,000! Why were there no calls made to verify the amount swiped?

Small amounts rarely trigger a 'warning bell' with some credit card companies.

It just so happens that all the small amounts added up to big one!




SCENE 2

A man at a local restaurant paid for his meal with his credit card..

The bill for the meal came, he signed it, and the waitress folded the receipt and passed the credit card along.

Usually, he would just take it and place it in his wallet or pocket. Funny enough, though, he actually took a look at the card and, lo and behold, it was the expired card of another person.

He called the waitress and she looked perplexed.

She took it back, apologized, and hurried back to the counter under the watchful eye of the man.

All the waitress did while walking to the counter was wave the wrong expired card to the counter cashier, and the counter cashier immediately looked down and took out the real card.

No exchange of words --- nothing! She took it and came back to the man with an apology.

Verdict:

Make sure the credit cards in your wallet are yours..

Check the name on the card every time you sign for something and/or the
card is taken away for even a short period of time.

Many people just take back the credit card without even looking at it, 'assuming' that it has to be theirs..



FOR YOUR OWN SAKE, DEVELOP THE HABIT OF CHECKING YOUR CREDIT CARD EACH
TIME IT IS RETURNED TO YOU AFTER A TRANSACTION!


SCENE 3

Yesterday I went into a pizza restaurant to pick up an order that I had called in.

I paid by using my Visa Cheque Card which, of course, is linked directly to my cheque account.

The young man behind the counter took my card, swiped it, then laid it on the counter as he waited for the approval, which is pretty standard procedure.

While he waited, he picked up his cell phone and started dialing.

I noticed the phone because it is the same model I have, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
Then I heard a click that sounded like my phone sounds when I take a picture.

He then gave me back my card but kept the phone in his hand as if he was still pressing buttons.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking: I wonder what he is taking a picture of, oblivious to what was really going on.

It then dawned on me: the only thing there was my credit card, so now I'm paying close attention to what he is doing.

He set his phone on the counter, leaving it open.

About five seconds later, I heard the chime that tells you that the picture has been saved.

Now I'm standing there struggling with the fact that this boy just took a picture of my credit card.

Yes, he played it off well, because had we not had the same kind of phone, I probably would never have known what happened.

Needless to say, I immediately cancelled that card as I was walking out of the pizza parlor.


All I am saying is, be aware of your surroundings at all times.

Whenever you are using your credit card take caution and don't be careless.

Notice who is standing near you and what they are doing when you use your card.

Be aware of phones, because many have a camera phone these days.

FORWARD THIS TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN THINK OF. JUST BE AWARE


Never let your card out of your sight.......
check and check again!....................:(
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top