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Genie in a Lamp

bobhc

Excel Ninja
And that's when the fight started


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, ’Dust.'


And then the fight started...


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'


I bought her scales for the bathroom.


And then the fight started...


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.


And then the fight started...


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.


The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.


She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'


And then the fight started...


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'


'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'


'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


And then the fight started...


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.


"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."


He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""


Nah, she can order for herself."


And then the fight started...


------------ --------- --------- ---


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'


The husband replies, 'Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.'


And then the fight started.....


------------ --------- --------- ------


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for £7.95.


Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £14.95.


I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream and at half the price.


And then the fight started....


------------ --------- --------- --------- -----


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday


and then the fight started.....


------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ’Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'


The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'


And then the fight started.....


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.


I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.


The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back in-to the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.


I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.


I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'


My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'


And then the fight started...


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? “


It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" She said.


So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"


And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"


"No," she answered.


I then said, "Is that your final answer?"


She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."


So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


And that's when the fight started....
 

SirJB7

Excel Rōnin
@SirJB7

Hi, me!

So long...

I was wondering if I'd mind if this topic reaches the 100 comment posts... And I concluded that yes... but only if not two or three or more hundreds...

Regards!
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
My wife was in the bathroom getting ready to go out and she says "do I look big in this" I said "well to be honest love it is a small bathroom"


I am sleeping in the spare room for the next few weeks!!
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
My wife asked for something smooth and silky for her birthday.


No doubt she find the colour of the tin of paint wrong and I'll be sleeping in the spare room for the next few weeks!!
 

SirJB7

Excel Rōnin
Hi, all!


As Debraj Roy said... this might be the correct place for...

http://chandoo.org/forums/topic/excel-2013-password-system-yet-broken


SirJB7

-----

Hi, all!

I love this guys... since 1995/7 or so.

For those who have concerns (or even worse, for those who don't have any!) about Excel security, maybe you'd find useful reading this link:

http://www.elcomsoft.com/PR/Office2013_26092012.html

Regards!

-----


Debraj Roy

-----

Hi SirJB007,


Redmond Guys.. wouldn't mind if you post this in Genie in a lamp Section.. ha ha ha..


Regards,

Deb

-----


Regards!


PS: If too funny or smiling just advise to remove it.

PS2: ...or crying?
 
Last edited by a moderator:

bobhc

Excel Ninja
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist


An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
Abort, Retry, Ignore?

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a USB stick from the drawer, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the stick kept winking, winking yet to save some more. But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully I weighed the choices as the stick winked some more. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, >From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted. Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go. What demonic nether world is wrought where lost data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
 

SaviourV

New Member
Saviour-V reporting in.


Foul-ball on Aisle 3! You brought in a rendition of Edgar Allen Poe's "Nevermore" into the mix, didn't you, bobhc? ^_~ *winks knowingly...*


Heh. Quite a good read. Haven't encountered the "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" dialog in a VERY long time now.


Saviour-V out.
 

SirJB7

Excel Rōnin
@SaviourV

Hi!

That might be because you don't use too much those little plastic squares with a magnetic circle inside that Sony used to name floppy disks. Of course under the marvelous black window. :)

Regards!
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.


The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.


While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.


"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
Engineers and Managers

________________________________________

A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He

reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"


The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."


"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.


"I am. How did you know?"


"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."


The man below says, "You must be in management."


"I am. But how did you know?"


"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL


1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth, allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.


6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.


9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12) Call the fire brigade to retrieve the F***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.


13) Tie the little b*****ds front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth, followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.


14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and phone local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL


1) Wrap it in meat.
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
The Boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about

an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialled the

employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper,


"Hello?"


"Is your daddy home?", he asked.


"Yes", whispered the small voice.


"May I talk with him?"


To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."


Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."


Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message,

the boss asked the child , "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."


Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the

boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.


"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.


Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a

helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is

that noise?"


"A hello-copper", whispered the tiny voice.


"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.


In an awed whispering voice the child answered,

"The search team just landed the hello-copper."


Now really alarmed, concerned, and more than a little frustrated the

boss asked, "What are they searching for?"


Still whispering, the young voice replied in a muffled giggle:


........................................................................

....


........................................................................

.........


"ME"
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
A man on trial in the Fourth Judicial district of Tennessee had previously

pleaded "not guilty." However, once the jury, eight women and four men, had

been seated and the trial was under way, the defendant switched his plea.

"Why the change?" asked the judge, "Were you persuaded to plead 'guilty'?"

"No Sir," the man replied, "When I pleaded 'not guilty', I didn't know women

would be on the jury. I can't fool one woman, so I know I can't fool eight of

them."
 

oldchippy

Active Member
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches,

And she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke......and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
So the wife says to me….”Does this dress make my bum look big” I looked at her and said...”You have to stop blaming the dresses”


Sleeping in the spare room for a few nights…my choice…honest
 

Luke M

Excel Ninja
Cute story by John Walkenbach. Lots of functions that I had no idea what they are and do.

http://spreadsheetpage.com/index.php/comments/a_functional_imaginary_tale
 

shrivallabha

Excel Ninja
It is FACT that there are N number of Excel functions and we require only few of them or COMBINations of them in our DAY to DAY lives!
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
Are we really that stupid?

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hair dryer:

Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:

Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swanson frozen dinners:

Serving suggestions: Defrost.

Printed on the bottom of Tesco Tiramisu dessert:

Do not turn upside down.

On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:

Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:

Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.

On Nytol Sleep Aid:

Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights:

For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:

Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:

Warning: Contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a child's Superman costume:

Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On a Swedish chain saw:

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a toboggan:

Beware: Sledge may develop high speed under certain snow conditions.

On a knife sharpener:

Caution: knives are sharp.

On shin pads for cyclists:

Shin guards cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

On a take away coffee cup:

Caution: Hot beverages are hot.

Emergency safety procedures at a US summer camp:

In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood proceed uphill quickly.

In a microwave oven manual:

Do not use for drying pets.

On the back of a pilot's seat in a Nato aircraft:

Seat must be facing forward for take-off and landing.

On the bottom of a cola bottle:

Do not open here.

On a Harry Potter wizards broom:

This broom does not actually fly.

On a box of aspirin:

Do not take if allergic to aspirin.

On a bottle of laundry detergent:

Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.

On a muffin packet:

Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.

In a kettle instruction manual:

The appliance is switched on by setting the 'ON/OFF' button to the 'ON' position.

On a ketchup bottle:

Instructions: Put on food.

On a bottle of rum:

Open bottle before drinking.

A car park sign:

Entrance only. Do not enter.

A sign in a street in Hong Kong:

Beware of people.

Rules on a tram in Prague:

Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be persecuted.

Sign on newly-renovated ramp entrance, USA:

Take care: new non-slip surface.

On a can of air freshener:

For use by trained personnel only.

On a bottle of baby lotion:

Keep away from children.

On a pair of socks bought in egypt:

Do not wash.

On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle:

Some assembly required.

On a can of pepper spray used for self defense:

May irritate eyes.

On a Frisbee:

Warning: may contain small parts.

In a car handbook:

In order to get out of car, open door, get out lock doors, and then close doors.

On a packet of cashew nut pieces:

Warning: This product may contain residue of nuts.

Directions for mosquito repellant:

Replacing battery: replace old battery with a new one.

On a birthday card for a one year old:

Not suitable for children aged under 36 months or less.

In a hotel bedroom:

Please do not turn on TV except when in use.

In a lift in a Japanese hotel:

Push this button in case anything happens.

On a toilet cleaning brush:

Do not use orally.

On a can of Spray paint:

Do not spray in your face.

On a TV remote:

Not Dishwasher safe.

On a blowtorch:

Not used for drying hair.

On a washing machine inn a launderette:

No small children.

On a bottle of hair dye:

Do not use as Ice Cream topping.

On a push along lawn mower:

Not to be used as a hedge trimmer.

On a box of fireworks:

Do not put in mouth.

On the packaging for a wrist watch:

Warning this is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.

In a dishwasher manual:

Do not allow children to play in dishwasher.

On a toaster:

Do not use underwater.

On a mattress:

Do not attempt to swallow.
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
There are two images in this laughter letter so it is in my Dropbox...and it is all very clean


https://dl.dropbox.com/u/75495784/HowToCleanYourToilet.doc
 
Tribal torture test...


A young man is wandering lost in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old tribal man with a long grey beard.


"I'm lost," said the man, "Can you put me up for the night?"


"Certainly", the old man said, "but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Tribal tortures known to man."


The man agreed, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.


Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldn't keep her eyes off of him during the meal.


Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.


During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldn't hear, exhausted but happy.


He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:


Tribal Torture 1: Large rock on chest.


Well, that's easy, he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:


Tribal Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.


In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:


Tribal Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
Things you will not see CNN


Power Point Presentation


https://dl.dropbox.com/u/75495784/Not%20on%20CNN.pps
 
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