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Genie in a Lamp

Smallman

Excel Ninja
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”

The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“

The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.”
 

oldchippy

Active Member
Thanks bobhc for sharing the credit card scams, I will certainly be keeping a careful eye on my transactions in future as I use my card for almost all my purchases. :)
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
Good day oldchippy

There are always those who think it is their job in life to rip of others. Credit card scams do not effect me though......the wife will not give me my card back...suckered into lending it to her......:mad:
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
Just bought my wife one of those pug dogs
And despite to bulging eyes, rolls of skin, flat nose and being plain ugly
The dog still likes her.
 

oldchippy

Active Member
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

~~~~~

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

~~~~~
 

oldchippy

Active Member
Here's some more


· To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

· When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

· A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

· When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

· The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

· The batteries were given out free of charge.

· A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

· A will is a dead giveaway.

· If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

· With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

· Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

· You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

· Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

· A boiled egg is hard to beat.

· When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

· Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

· Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

· If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

· A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

· In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

· When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

· The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

· He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

· Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

· When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

· Acupuncture: a jab well done.
 

oldchippy

Active Member
My trip to the grocery store

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the manager before leaving the store, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
 

juanito

Member
OK then...

There's this lady whose phone suddenly starts signalling messages:
"Darling, I have bad news. I had a very bad fall at work and hurt my leg seriously. Thank goodness Paula was there and she rushed me to hospital. But diagnosis bad: multiple fractures, infection, risk of necrosis. I may actually lose my leg!"

After a short period of shock she texts her reply:
"Who is Paula?"

- juanito
 

oldchippy

Active Member
Creative Problem Solving!!

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.

But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the local police station and said,

"You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing my chickens."

"What do you want us to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Main Road’s workers go out to erect a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said,

"You've got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So, again, the policeman sends out the Main Roads workers’ and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the policeman,

"Your signs are doing no good at all ... can I put up my own sign?"

The policeman said, "Sure, go ahead."

He was willing to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling to complain.

The policeman got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the policeman and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did,” replied Farmer John, ”and not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."

He hung up the phone.

The policeman was really curious and he thought to himself,

"I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign … it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers."

So he drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.

It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!




Keep Smiling ....
 

oldchippy

Active Member
Cardiovascular Exercise

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!






Scroll Down.




































NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of Wine.
 

oldchippy

Active Member
A couple were Christmas shopping.
The shopping centre was packed - as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
She became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said,
"Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said,
"Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied,
"Well, I'm in the pub next door."

:DD:DD:DD
 

oldchippy

Active Member
1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

2.My mother taught me RELIGION.
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.

3.My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!

4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
Because I said so, that's why.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.

6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

7.My mother taught me IRONY.
Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
Shut your mouth and eat your supper.

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.

12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
Stop acting like your father!

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
Just wait until we get home.

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
You are going to get it when you get home!

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.

19. My mother taught me ESP.
Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
You're just like your father.

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
 

oldchippy

Active Member
I went to the pub last night and saw a large girl dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
 

oldchippy

Active Member
A wife texts her husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen"

The husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it"

The wife texts back: "Computer completely knackered now"
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
Q. Why do people keep a copy of Excel 2000 (v9.0) on their car's dashboard?
A. So they can park in the handicapped parking spaces.



Q. What is the most frequent question asked by a would-be spreadsheet consultant?

A. "Would you like fries with that?"





There are two ways to develop error-free spreadsheets. Only the third one works.

Spreadsheet Developers: Solving today’s problems tomorrow.

Hit any user to continue.

The spreadsheet industry is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.



A man was walking along a beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated “I am the most powerful genie in the world. Because I am so powerful, I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish.”

The man pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said “I’d like there to be peace among the people in the Middle East.” The genie responded, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. They are always going to be fighting. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits.”

The man then said, “Well, my staff is switching to Excel. I wonder if you could make them excellent VBA programmers.”

Genie: “Uh, let me see that map again.”





Auto-Save: What your spreadsheet does immediately after you make a huge mistake and just before you press Undo. If you have a sound card, you may be able to hear your program laughing at you.

Goal Seek: When you know the answer (because you did it on your calculator in 10 seconds) but can’t get the spreadsheet to work right. Also known as Backsolve.

GPF: What happens when you finally get your spreadsheet working correctly, but before you’ve had a chance to save it.

Macro:Automated mistakes, made at the speed of light.

Solver: Spreadsheet tool usually used by geeks who want to bring their computer’s processor to its knees. No valid data is ever obtained, but it makes you feel good that you forced your computer to think for more than half a second.

Undo: Feature that enables you to revert from the current spreadsheet with 47 error values to where you were before, when you only had 13 errors.
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
A lesson in Posting
How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....
 

chirayu

Well-Known Member
A guy dies and goes to heaven, There he sees two other guys standing in line so he joins them.

Saint Peter appears and says, you may all enter but there is 1 rule in heaven you cannot break. You see all these ducks walking around. Don't step on them.

So they all agree and enter. A week later a guy accidentally steps on one.

Immediately Saint Peter shows up with a very ugly woman. She's short, has stubby little legs, thinning hair and bad breath, swears a lot.

He chains the man and the woman by their feet and says - "This is the punishment for stepping on a duck. You are chained for eternity. Don't step on the ducks" Then he leaves.

The other two remaining guys are scared and nod at each other saying "we have to be careful".

A Year goes by and the second guy trips on a duck. Immediately followed by Saint Peter coming with another woman.

But this woman is worse than the first. She also has warts all over her, overgrown toenails, missing teeth, sunken eyes.

Saint Peter chains this woman to the second man who tripped and says to the last man - "Don't step on the ducks"

The last man is scared, so he says to Saint Peter - "I will not move an inch from this very spot. I will not move forwards, backwards or sideways"

Ten years go by and he has not stepped on any ducks.

Saint Peter then appears with a gorgeous woman, the woman every man dreams of; and he chains the last man and the woman together.

The man startled and filled with joy, looks at Saint Peter and says - "I don't know what I did to deserve this"

The woman replies saying - "I don't know about you love but I stepped on a duck"
 

oldchippy

Active Member
A YORKSHIRE LOVE STORY

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death,

he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones

wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength,

and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall,

he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,

and with even greater effort,

gripping the railing with both hands,

he crawled downstairs.With laboured breath,

he leaned against the door-frame,

gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony,

he would have thought himself already in heaven,

for there, spread out upon the kitchen table

were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of love

from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years,

seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?Mustering one great final effort,

he threw himself towards the table,

landing on his knees in rumpled posture.His aged and withered hand

trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table,

when it was suddenly smacked by his wife

with a wooden spoon .......

'Bug**r off'.

she said,

'they're for the funeral.'
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
A Letter re Australian Army Life

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that

the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody

quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get

outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do

before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No

bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!

You haz gotta wash though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot

water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get

cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like

wot Mum makes.

You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys

are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just

like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep

getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a

bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like

the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows

before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable

and hit the target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own

cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady

yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real

careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil

and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home

after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the

platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the

Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the

shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,

but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before

word gets around how bloody good it is.


Your loving daughter,

Sheila
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
  • Old Perceval decided to treat himself for his 100th birthday. So he flew first-class to San Francisco and checked into the Fairmont Hotel. The mischievous hotel concierge got an idea and, as a practical joke, sent a call girl up to his room.
    She knocked, and the old fellow walked slowly over and opened the door. He saw a beautiful red-headed woman standing before him.
    "I have a birthday present for you," she said, and smiled.
    She leaned forward and whispered, "I'm here to give you super sex."
    "Thanks," he said thoughtfully, "I'll take the soup."
For those not blessed with a sense of humour like mine
To the old man super sex sounded like soup OR sex
 

oldchippy

Active Member
Breaking News..... Breaking News....


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the @rse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
How to respond to employment rejection letters.


Dear Sir,
Thank you for your letter of 16th April regarding my application for a position with your company. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a job.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite my outstanding qualifications and previous experience in being rejected, I find that your rejection does not meet with my requirements at this time. Therefore, I will be taking up the position with your company next Monday and look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.


.
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said:
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing Excel error messages.
 

bobhc

Excel Ninja
Set A1 to your annual net income.
Set B1 equal to your annual expenditure.
Set C1 to =IF(A1>B1,"Laugh","Cry")
 
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